“If any wearer of Kay products has experienced partial or total blindness, nausea, intense rage upon entering a church, or has suffered a string of unexplained family tragedies, you may return the defective item to any Kay-affiliated retailer to be destroyed by a qualified priest.”

< snip >
AKRON, OH—Apologizing to customers for “any discomfort or searing of the flesh” on their ring fingers, Kay Jewelers ordered a recall Thursday of some two million cursed wedding bands sold at its 900 locations nationwide over the past sev…
< /snip >
Click here for the full article

Posted from Facebook

This is what freedom of religion looks like.  Click through the image for the full story on VICE.

It’ll be cast in bronze when it’s done.

 

from Facebook http://ift.tt/1n7vXkR
via IFTTT

Now THAT’S classy!

I love this new “binders full of women” meme that sprang up last night.

So I’m going to cash in.

Order your very own Binder of Women RIGHT NOW! Designed by yours truly, this hilarious joke will never, ever get old. Show your support for diversity in the workplace! Convince your liberal friends that Republicans like women, too! BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, BUY ONE NOW!
Get yours in time for the election!

ONLY $18.95 per binder!


Here’s a short list of key words that will guarantee I will ignore your TV show, movie, etc.

  • From the producers of ‘Scary Movie’
  • Tyler Perry’s _________________
  • From the writers of ‘Two and a half men’
  • “It will warm your heart”
  • “Just how far would you go to find true love?”
  • “This generation’s (something interesting that happened 10 years ago).
  • “The Bible tells us …….”
  • “Starring Kirk Cameron.”
  • “Everybody’s favorite _____________ “

Did I miss some of your favorites?  Let me know in the comments.

What separates the mind of a scientist (or, more generally, a rationalist) from the average person?  Sent my way by Brother Doug.

xkcd – A Webcomic – The Difference.

 

Dont stare too long into his eyes.

Don’t stare too long into his eyes.

The tingling in my loins and radar signals creeping into my brain can mean only one thing.

X-Day is getting close! July 5th’s on it’s way!  Maybe this year is really 1998!

X-Day, for those of you that might not know, is my all-time favorite holiday. I’ve been celebrating it for years.  It’s a particular kind of liberating, to know that the world ends tomorrow and you may die. It clarifies what’s important, and washes away the trivialities of society and the “cares” of the so-called “human beings”.

X-Day has been prophecied by J.R. “Bob” Dobbs as the day that the world will end, when the dues-paying Subgeniuses will be Ruptured up by “Bob”, and the deal made aeons ago between “Bob” and the blind, idiot space god JHVH-1 will finally come to pass. X-Day is going to be on July 5th, 1998, at 7:00 AM.

Now, I hear what you’re saying — didn’t 1998 already happen?  Shouldn’t the world already have ended?  Well, to you, non-believer, I say:  “OBVIOUSLY 1998 hasn’t happened yet, or you would be dead, dead, dead.”  But I’ve got a good feeling that this is FINALLY the year!  It’s finally 1998!

The first X-Day drills happened in the western New York Subgenius breeding grounds nearly 15 years ago.  Since then, every year on July 4th (and 5th), we subgenii celebrate the impending arrival of the pleasure saucers of the sex goddesses from Planet X, and the end of this measley little planet.

Would you like a vision of what awaits you at 7:00 AM on July 5th?  Luckily, we have this video, extracted from the precognative video mines in Dobbstown, Malaysia, to illustrate exactly what to expect on this most glorious of days:

So where my Chicago Subgenius at? I know not everyone is at the “main” X-Day celebration in New York, so where’s the end-of-the-world meet up spot in the Northern Central Time Zone?  Hit me up, because I’m in like nobody’s business.

Ooh, here’s a little treat — a video of me ranting about the beauty of hate at the X-Day celebration we held in 2007 at Redlight Redlight in Orlando, FL.  Behold:

Well, I asked Google, and I found this metafilter page, which helpfully has an answer from one of my heroes, Robert Anton Wilson:

Robert Anton Wilson called it “metanoia”: Paranoia = “everything wants to destroy me”; Metanoia = “everything wants to help me”. I’m not sure if he was getting that somehow from John Lilly’s metanoia, RD Laing’s metanoia, the New Testament’s metanoia, or just made it up on his own.

Good enough for me.

It’s been seeming like the city’s been talking to me lately.  For instance, there must be an “Ian” that lives (or has lived) in Rogers Park before me, and he’s taken it upon himself to leave little notes stuck all around the city:

Found on a newspaper distribution box outside the Rogers Park Post Office, on W. Devon Ave.

Found on a newspaper distribution box outside the Rogers Park Post Office, on W. Devon Ave.

There’s another one stuck on a newspaper box right on the corner of Sheridan and Lunt as well.  I walk by it practically every day.

Then Tuesday night, I’m having a little bit of supper with some friends between classes, and what do I see as I’m walking out of the restaurant?

irishamericannews

It’s actually called ‘The Irish American News’.

So you got my attention, Universe.  What’s the message?

monroeelstop