Six more makes 29 out of 31. Piece of cake.
The Vampire Lovers (1970)
Have you ever thought to yourself, “Dang, I sure could go for a good old-fashioned vampire story with gothic castles and horse-drawn carriages and such, but I don’t want to watch another Dracula movie?” Well, you’re in luck. Especially if you like old-school female vampires and boobs. Plus, Peter Cushing is in it. 11-year-old Ian would have LOVED it.
Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)
All the PA movies are the same exercise. It’s a game of Where’s Waldo, with the movie expecting me to use my pattern recognition circuits to detect what’s moving that shouldn’t be. Meh. The use of the kinect sensor is pretty interesting and creepy. As usual, nobody dies until the last 5 minutes, where 95% of the plot occurs.
Rule #1 of movie making: show, don’t tell. The incessant voice-overs in this movie are killing me. Also, the soundtrack is so goofy. This movie can’t tell if it wants to be a slasher movie or smokey and the bandit. I could really do with less stupid comic relief. And come on with the trombone scene. Sheesh. This movie is interesting as a historical curiosity in the evolution of horror movies, being a prototype for stuff that would come later, notably Halloween and Friday the 13th, but it’s not a terribly good movie on it’s own merits.
Brand new remake produced by Ryan Murphy, the guy that made Glee and American Horror Story. A remake vastly superior to the original, and which actually contains the original within it itself in a fascinating way; this is a movie that is about itself. Meta as all get out. As a stand alone movie, it’s pretty decent. But as a double feature with the original played first, it’s an outstanding combination.
I cannot recommend strongly enough that you watch both the original movie and the “remake” as a double feature. That’s a five-star horror movie experience right there. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts in this case, and watching them together really lends a completely different dimension to both films.
Candy Stripers (2006)
I don’t know, something about an alien invasion-of-the-body-snatchers thing and a hospital filled with hot nurses and the world’s oldest high school basketball team. All the actors look like someone else in disguise. There’s cheerleaders getting naked. It stars not one, but two Playboy playmates, so let’s just face it — if you’re watching it, you’re not watching it for the plot or anything. It’s for the boobs.
Room 33 (2009)
A wandering roller derby team breaks down near an abandoned insane asylum that’s covered with crazy grafitti which says things like, “I eat dead babies for breakfast”. The one black guy in the horror movie knows he’s the one black guy in the horror movie. He is also clearly the smartest guy in the horror movie. Punches above its weight, but not by much.
Big Bad Wolf (2006)
Here’s how the pitch meeting for this movie went: “Hey guys, I’ve got a great idea. A bunch of teens in a cabin in the woods meets a werewolf, but he’s like a wisecracking werewolf. The kids love that, like Freddy Kruger always cracked wise. Oh, and the werewolf is the kid’s stepdad, because, c’mon, teenage boys hate their stepdads.” And then someone wrote them a check for $500,000 and voila. This movie happened. The motorcycle girl is the only interesting character in this movie. I guess that’s something.