See, it's like that part in Terminator, except for suckier.

Ok, I need to disclose my prejudices up front, before I start talking about this movie.

I find the mythology of Christianity completely uncompelling in virtually every way. I’m not a Christian, I don’t believe the Bible is some holy book handed down from on high, and I don’t buy in to the military-industrial-esque top-down hierarchy that seems to be de rigueur for these kinds of movies.

That said, I do know scary when I see it.

I’m sorry to say that my extremely low expectations for this movie were still too high.  Legion failed to satisfy on any level whatsoever.

The director (and co-writer) Scott Stewart has lots of visual effects credits to his name, but his only directing credit is for a short film, “What We Talk About When We Talk About Love“, presumably based on the Raymond Carver short story of the same name.  The Interweb turns up nothing on the film, so I’ll reserve comments.

So, maybe the failings of Legion were simply due to lack of experience on the director’s part.  But that doesn’t excuse the fact that this movie should have never made it out of development.

The “plot”, such as it is:  “God” has gotten bored with “putting up with” humanity’s “bullshit”, and so he decides to wipe out the human race.  But instead of a flood, this time, it’s with demon-possessed people.  The apocalypse starts, and we get a front and center picture as humanity’s final days unfold.

Oh, wait, did I say front and center?  I meant, we only know about it because of an emergency broadcast signal.  Actually, all we get to see is a shitty diner in the middle of the desert, populated by a bunch of jerks with emotional problems.

So, one of these jackasses is a soon-to-be-single-mom who apparently is carrying the reincarnation of Jesus or something, it’s not really clear.  The kid is supposed to save humanity from destruction or redeem the humans like Jesus, or well, who knows.  We are told this by the Archangel Michael, who, upon his descent to earth, felt he needed to stock up on automatic weapons, because he’s got no God Magic or something.

Ok.  Let’s take a brief time-out and think about this with a little bit of (admittedly tenuous) logic:

A)  God wants to wipe out humanity, even though the covenant he made with Noah after the Flood seems to specifically prohibit this.

B)  We’ll assume that God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent (at least for the sake of argument).

C)  For some reason, God’s awesome plan for genocide has a fatal flaw, the unborn bastard child of a truck stop waitress, who, if he should live, will somehow prevent the omniscient, omnipotent God from doing His Will, namely, killing all the humans.

Um, doesn’t sound like God is all that smart, does it?  But ok, whatever.  He does work in mysterious ways.

SO, he tells the Archangel Michael to go and kill the baby, so his evil genocide can happen with no problems.

Michael decides, hey, know what?  These humans ain’t so bad.  I’ll try to keep the baby alive long enough to get born, and fuck all that God bullshit.

Ummm… ok.

So, the movie turns into a “defend the fortress” movie.  First, a, um, demonic-or-angelic-ly possessed old woman shows up, and she’s dispatched after killing only one human.  Since that didn’t work, a demonic-or-angelic-ly possessed ice cream man shows up, and is killed by automatic weapons.

Then, a few hundred possessed people show up, fight for about 5 minutes, and then run away, leaving their cars in the middle of the desert.

Sigh.  Least effective supernatural combat force EVER.

So, as you might imagine, the baby is born, humanity is saved, there’s some angel-kung-fu battle between archangels, and the whole thing ends practically begging the studio to fund a sequel to this terrible, noxious drek.

There’s no character that isn’t a cartoon-like archetype, and they all whine about their little moral dillemas.  There’s a thinly veiled critique of abortion rights.  It’s a hot mess of stupid.

And the worst part is, all the “scary” stuff was in the trailer!  What a waste of time!  Not to mention the fact that, even though it’s only about an hour and a half long, it seems to last FOREVER.  People were starting to get up out of their seats five minutes before the movie was over, just because it simply wouldn’t shut up.

So, who would like this movie?  Um, well, how about your hyper-christian, high school dropout secretary friends that think horror movies are just too scary?

Not recommended for anyone with a college education, an understanding of story structure, or anyone that’s thought too deeply about theology.

My rating:  One star.  That’s me being nice.

Rating:

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On Saturday, Dec. 5, there was a great horror triple feature at the Portage Theater.

They were hosting the Terror In the Aisles 3 event.  The line-up was great — Night of the Creeps (director Fred Dekker was there for Q&A), The Blair Witch Project, and the slasher classic, Black Christmas (the 1974 version, not the 2006 remake)

Eduardo Sanchez, co-director of The Blair Witch Project was there, and he spoke with me for a few minutes about his movies and about the possibility of another Blair Witch movie.

Podcast:

download this audio

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Kevin Jamison, writer and director of Serial: Amoral Uprising

Kevin Jamison came to the film making business through a somewhat unusual path. He discovered he had a passion for horror and crime stories early in life.  “Some of the movies that really got me on the horror were slasher movies like Friday the 13th, that was one of them, A Nightmare Elm Street, Halloween, that basic genre,” the 29-year-old Jamison said.  “For true crime, I didn’t actually get into true crime until later on. Until I was about 16 or 17.  Basically, I started reading these cases, and not just serial killers, but the whole study behind human behavior. And that’s one thing that I’m still a big fan of is the basic idea behind studying different types of behaviors, whether it be normal people or criminals.”

He decided that his desire to understand human behavior would make him well suited to work for the FBI.  However, early in his criminal justice education, a teacher convinced him that, while he may not be cut out for traditional police work, he had a talent for producing creative and compelling criminal profiles. “He was like, you either need to be a crime writer, or you need to go and do something with these visions that you have, because they’re golden,” Jamison said.  “And that’s one thing that really inspired me to get into television and film production.”

It was in the creation of these these early criminal profiles that his character of Trenton Bracks, a vicious, homicidal sociopath, emerged.

He wrote a full-length feature film script based on the fictional Bracks, entitled Serial, in 2007. Without funding though, it was impossible to make the film. What was possible was to make a promotional trailer to demonstrate to would-be financiers the potential of the idea, and the visual direction that he wanted to take the story in. “We wanted to film something like Adam Green did with Hatchet,” said Jamison, “where he went out and he put together all his compiled footage to show people what he could do, and what his vision was, and that’s exactly what we wanted to do with Serial. So we were like, okay, let’s film a promo trailer.”

After producing a two-minute promotional trailer, and finding the result too limited in scope, and the reception lukewarm, he decided to make a short film prequel as an expanded demonstration of the film making capacities of his team.  That prequel would become the 2009 short film, Serial: Amoral Uprising.

“We really wanted to get a start on the story,” said Jamison, ” and to show people what we could do with a very small amount of money. And that’s the basic premise of how Amoral Uprising came [to be].  I talked to [director of photography] Mike [Scola], and I said we could do a short film, but what are we going to film? Well, let’s do a prologue.  And I thought that that was a really good idea, and we could totally get that done. It just depends on where we were going to get the money. From that point, I took out my own loan, and we put out a number of ads on Craigslist, which  got replies right away, and production basically started from that point on.”

In Amoral Uprising, Jamison shows us the dysfunctional childhood of his future serial killer, and the formative experiences that shaped his psyche. We watch uncomfortably as his cocaine-fueled mother abuses him mentally and physically, and eventually murders his understanding, but weak-willed father.  We see him emerge a decade later from prison, and it then comes as no suprise when his rampage of murders begins.  This is not some romanticized, Hannibal Lecter-eque madman who kills out of some sense of art or some desperate craziness, rather this killer is motivated solely by rage. He’s not a sympathetic character; nobody’s rooting for this bad guy. He’s just mean and brutal.  Over the course of the 55-minute short, we watch as Brack’s uncontrollable fury moves him to kill a tavern owner, his young wife, and even his own, and only, friend.

Serial: Amoral Uprising premiered at the Summer Slaughter Film Festival, held in July at the Portage Theater in Chicago. The reception was warm, and convinced Jamison that he was on the right track.

Jamison plans to shoot the full Serial feature in the summer of 2010.  “When everything was said and done, we spent around $6500 on Amoral Uprising,” Jamison said.  “For the full feature, right now the number we’re looking at, we want to shoot it with [$50 thousand] and see what we can do.”

For the feature film, Christopher Howell will reprise his role as Bracks. Jamison promises that the feature will be as gritty and brutal as the prequel short.  “We’re trying to get as many people to see [the prequel] as possible,” said Jamison, “so that way when we film Serial, they’ll say, okay cool, so this is what happens [next]. Because with Amoral Uprising, it’s not as much about Trenton Bracks being a serial killer as it is telling the story of how he’s going to shape into the person that he becomes in Serial. It’s kind of going to act like a continuation of Amoral Uprising. Amoral Uprising was shot guerrilla style, it was shot low-budget, so it’s going to be a lot more raw than the full feature [will be]. So we have some really nasty stuff planned for the full feature.”

Jamison said he’s been pleased with the reception that his film has gotten, particularly in the Midwest.  He thinks that the Chicago area offers some definite perks for independent and low-budget film making.  “ To tell the truth, I’d rather be around the Midwest right now compared to being out in California, because at least here I have a chance of letting my project get heard,” Jamison said.  “Because the people in Chicago love independent horror, they love independent film, and they love getting into a new project.”

Which is good news for Jamison, since he’s decided film making definitely suits his tastes.

“After making Amoral Uprising, I’ve decided that [I want to work full time in film],” said Jamison.  “One director that I’ve actually looked at as being an inspiration has been George Romero, because obviously we know that he is going to be making movies for the rest of his life. Shooting on a low budget, and shooting without a big film crew, a big-budget, is a pain in the butt, but at the end of the day it’s worth every effort.”

Here’s the trailer for Serial: Amoral Uprising

Visit Jamison’s site: www.serialthefilm.com

Chicago’s Music Box Theater celebrated the most terrifying month of the year with it’s fifth annual 24-hour horror movie marathon, the Music Box Massacre, last weekend. The program featured a non-stop barrage of the macabre, mostly classic horror films from the 20th century and a few new gems and suprises thrown in for good measure.

Image via Wikipedia

The Massacre began their screenings at noon on Saturday with Lon Chaney’s classic The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923) and continued through to the next day, when the final film, Brian DePalma’s interpretation of Stephen King’s Carrie, would close out the event.

I arrived in time to catch the third movie on the bill, A Bucket of Blood, Roger Corman’s darkly comic send-up of pompous ’50s hipster artistes. The theater was filling quickly. That audience would eventually sell out the seats in the venue, demonstrating the enduring popularity of the genre.

Next on the agenda was The Black Cat, an hour-long film produced in 2007 as part of Showtime’s Masters of Horror series, and directed by Chicago-native Stuart Gordon, who was on hand to deliver some remarks before the screening. Gordon has been celebrating Poe’s centennial (he was born in 1809) by directing long-time collaborator Jeffery Combs as Poe, first in The Black Cat, and more recently on stage in Los Angeles with a play called Nevermore, an Evening With Edgar Allan Poe.

Gordon also introduced a reading of four Poe poems, presented by Tim Kazurinski and Greg Holliman. After hearing Annabelle Lee in Holliman’s deep baritone, the audience was sufficiently primed for The Black Cat, a quasi-biographical depiction of Poe in the throes of alcoholism, struggling to make a living and care for his consumptive wife/cousin, Virginia (Elyse Levesque).

After the next film, a beautiful 35mm print of David Cronenberg’s meditation on rage-made-flesh, The Brood, and a lively question and answer session by Brood star Art Hindle, the program turned back to Gordon’s more well-known H.P. Lovecraft-inspired films

Re-Animator (1985) and From Beyond (1986) were Gordon’s first two feature films. Both were based on Lovecraft short stories, and both starred Jeffery Combs in the role of mad scientist. Re-Animator spawned two sequels, but From Beyond never acquired quite the same cult appeal. Nevertheless, they are two of a kind. I was heartened to see that, like The Brood, the Music Box presented the Re-Animator on 35mm celluloid, rather than a too-perfect digital copy.

When Re-Animator ended, it was after 10 p.m., the auditorium completely full. I needed to get away from the crowd, get a little food in my belly, and un-numb my butt. A break was in order. When I returned, I was dropped into the middle of Pontypool, a Canadian film based on the notion of a zombie-like plague that was spread by word of mouth. Though it was interesting, I found myself dozing, a common problem, judging from the audience around me.

I managed to keep myself awake enough to make it through Tobe Hooper’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, which started after 4:00 a.m. But by the end of this 1986 cult classic, I had had enough. The auditorium was still more than half-full, and many folks were still awake enough to continue through the morning screenings, but not me. As I left, the sun colored the eastern sky a dirty copper red, and as it had in so many horror films, the sunrise marked the end of the terror. At least, for now.

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Hey dude, you've got something in your eye ...

October is the greatest month for horror movies and events, of course, and this year is no exception.  This will be my first halloween in Chicago, and I’m eager to see how this city gets down.

Throughout the month, Facets will be presenting horror movies in their “Night School” series of screenings and lectures.

Personally, I’m most excited about Lucio Fulci’s Zombi, showing on October 10th, and Guillermo del Toro’s creepy Spanish civil-war film, The Devil’s Backbone.  That one’s playing on Oct. 24.  Oh, and of course, [REC], showing on the night before halloween!

Facets FRIGHT School!

Every Friday and Saturday night at MIDNIGHT from October 2 – 31!

Facets’ acclaimed midnight cult movie series, Facets Night School, becomes Facets FRIGHT School this October, expanding to both Friday and Saturday nights to celebrate Halloween and educate fans on the traditions and history of the horror film!

Though horror is every critic’s favorite genre to bash, we at Facets Night School feel it is the richest cinematic genre, rife with visual splendor, brimming with malcontent monsters and simply spilling over with deeper meanings and subtext.

via Facets Multimedia.

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The trailer for the reboot of Nightmare on Elm Street, filmed here in Chicago, has finally been released.  And with it, the first look at the makeup on Jackie Earl Haley, the new Freddy Krueger.  I have to say, I’m liking what I see here.

The voice and the makeup both tell you it's not Robert Englund wearing the glove any more.

Here’s the trailer:

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Hell yeah!!  24 hours of horror movies sounds good to me.  Plus, Stuart FREAKING Gordon!

Can you survive the Massacre?! The Music Box Massacre has become one of the largest horror film festival events in the country. Be a part of our 24-hour horror movie marathon filled with horror classics both old and new. This year’s special guest is Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator). Films include Roger Corman’s Bucket of Blood, the Chicago theatrical premiere of Pontypool, and Stephen King’s Carrie and Maximum Overdrive.

Dealer tables in the lobby with amazing deals. One admission lets you come and go as you please. We encourage you to dress in a costume or bring your pajamas. See an audience filled with horror movie maniacs gone mad from too much excitement and terror.

The event is going down October 10th.  Click the link for full details and list of films.  Advance tickets a bargain at only $27.

via Music Box Theatre | Collections .

Guess who survives?

Ok, I’m just going to say it.

This movie sucked.

Strike one: This is a remake of a film that wasn’t all that good to begin with.  Nobody was clamouring for a new version.

Strike two: The story makes no goddamn sense at all.  The killer is indeed someone that you’d least expect, but the reason you wouldn’t expect that person to be the killer is because it’s absolutely ridiculous.  The killer goes about getting what he (or she? No spoilers here) wants in the least efficient way possible.

Strike three: Who the heck makes a customized tire iron with blades and pokers on the ends, specifically to go on a murderous rampage?  Nobody, that’s who.  It’s called leaving too much evidence.

Strike four: There are three survivors at the end of the film.  Well, maybe four.  And you know what?  THAT’S FOUR TOO MANY.

It’s like a low-rent version of Scream, without the cleverness, without the logic, and without the fun.

On the plus side, the chicks were totally hot.  And, at the screening I saw, Rumer Willis (who played Ellie, the redhead) was in attendence, and she was just as cute in person as in the film.  However, she said about two sentences, and then split.  So that IN NO WAY makes up for the horrible movie.

My rating — 1 star.  And that’s generous.

Rating:

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Not as good as I would have liked.

Alright, I’m pretty late to the party on this one.  I watched this at a midnight screening two weeks ago (the night that it came out) but I’ve been holding off on posting a review until I had time to mull over the film a little bit.

Here’s why:  I didn’t like it as much as I expected.

It’s no secret that I think Rob Zombie may well be the most visionary horror director of our time, and I was terrifically excited to see his sequel to the re-imagining of Halloween he released in 2007.  I thought that film was magnificent; it added some flavors, but also respected the vision of the original.  Particularly good was the sound design.  Most of the soundtrack sounded like it was lifted from John Carpenter’s celluloid directly.  Excellent.  Brutal.

The sequel starts immediately after the first film ends.  No problem there.  It’s also brutal.  Again, no problem there.

Here’s the problem, though.  The film revolves around the “secret” that Laurie (Scout Taylor Compton) is the sister of Michael Myers.

Now, I was under the impression that this “secret” was revealed in the first movie.  But in the sequel, Laurie seems to be completely unaware of it.  Ok, fine, but we the audience are aware of it.  There’s no “reveal”… we already know what’s going on.  Because this is sort of the lynchpin of the film, it feels empty.

And THEN!  The Dr. Loomis character is almost completely unnecessary in this new film.  His job seems to be to act like a dick, and then get killed.  Which he does, by the way.

And THEN!  The music.  The “Halloween theme” doesn’t play until the very last scene of the movie.  An obvious, deliberate choice, that I thought simply didn’t work.  Now, Rob Zombie has forgotten more about music and sound design than I’ll ever know, but seriously, to have done such a great job in the first movie, only to completely change gears on the sequel that starts IMMEDIATELY AFTER the original ends, doesn’t that demand some sort of consistency?

Anyhow, there are some good things to see in this film.  I think it would play well as a double feature with Zombie’s first one.  However, I don’t think it stands on it’s own, and that’s really too bad.

So they’ve already announced that they’ll be making a third movie in the series, with a different director, and filmed in 3-D.  I’m ok with that idea, but not terribly excited.

In the meantime, Zombie has announced that he’ll continue his series of homages to “traditional” horror films by doing a remake of The Blob.  I’ll withhold any opinion on this until I find out more about it.

My rating for Halloween II?  3.5 stars.  Not wonderful, not horrible.  Watch the first one and this one as a double feature on October 31st, and you’ll get the maximum bang for your buck.

Rating:

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Brett Register sends along this tasty morsel.  Check out the beautiful, classic poster for the new film, and then take a look at the 80s-chic trailer just below!  Dig the retro flavor. The website for the film just says “Coming Soon”.

holy 80s!