About Me

My most recent headshot.

I was born in the mouth of a dormant volcano, at midnight under a full moon. By the time I turned one year old, the volcano was no longer dormant.

I spent my early childhood training under the tutelage of kung fu monks, in a secret monastary deep in the wilderness of Nepal. I honed my fighting skills doing battle with the roving bandits who terrorized the countryside.

I made my first million dollars by the time I was 10 years old. They say the first million is the hardest, but for me it was literally child’s play. I lost it shortly thereafter in a baccarat game in Monte Carlo, against a man who was later tried for treason.

There’s a bronze statue of me standing in the middle of a village in Iceland. The villagers place delicious honey cakes and brandy at the foot of the statue every vernal equinox, to ensure the success of their hay crops.

I have superpowers. I can see through solid glass. I can transmute rock into stone. My brain exists in n+1 dimensions (but for day-to-day convenience, I usually set n=3). My immune system contains millions of nanorobots of my own design, constantly repairing my cells and ensuring I need never die. I can guess what number you’re thinking of. I have six rows of razor-sharp fangs. I can breathe underwater, and I can affect the weather with only the power of my mind.

I’ve written the definitive English translations of books that never existed. I own or control no fewer than three doomsday devices, placed strategically around the planet. I am Turing-complete and computationally universal. I can break 1024-bit encryption with pencil and paper. Topologically, I’m identical to a torus. Astrologically, I’m a Gemini.

I dream in Enochian. I once beat Ernest Hemmingway in a drinking contest. My glare is considered a concealed weapon in 16 states. You can’t measure my position and velocity at the same time. I’ve won a lifetime achievement award. My private jet goes Mach 5. I have a natural ability to soothe wild animals with merely the sound of my voice. I’ve counted to infinity — twice.

My Meyers-Briggs personality type is ENTP. It describes me perfectly.

Contact Ian Monroe

View Ian Monroe’s Professional Resume

Hi there.